The Mary Sue Files
by Depraved-Angel
Summary: This is my revenge on the Suethors of Potterverse. This fic will contain one-shot ficlets of every Mary-Sue I have come across. Parody and humour awaits.
1. Hermione Sue

**The Mary-Sue Files**

**A/N:** This is my revenge on the Suethors of the world. This is the Mary-Sue files and this fic will demonstrate just how incredibly stupid Mary-Sue and Gary-Stus are. I am starting with Hermione!Sue because that is the one Sue that grates on me the most. I hope you enjoy and review/flame if you want. I am not taking myself seriously and this is just for fun.

**Disclaimers: **All the canon!Sues belong to JKR along with the characters from the books. The others are figments of my warped imagination. Either way, I wouldn't bother to sue me (Haha), I have nothing worth taking!

* * *

It all started when her incredibly strange-named cousin came over from America. Tiffany Sparkle Granger worked as a personal shopper in a shop called Bloomingdales and knew all of the current fashion trends. Hermione tried in vain to remain in her room reading, pleading that she didn't need to go and get new clothes. She knew from reading stories on the internet that if she went then she would be forced to become OOC but alas, Tiffany didn't heed her words.

So that explained why she was standing on Platform 9 3/4 wearing less clothes than she could possibly have imagined. Gone was her school uniform because that was so 'not cool'. Instead she was wearing a tiny red plaid skirt that barely covered her bottom with a white shirt that she was bursting out of, thanks to her growth spurt and good bras.

"Ron! Harry!" she yelled as she saw her two friends, running over with her silky, straight hair to talk to them. However, they merely looked over their shoulders with strange looks before walking onto the train. "Why won't they talk to me? I'm so unloved." Hermione said in a small voice, tears welling up in her eyes.

She made her way onto the train, carrying her huge trunk full of clothes and make-up and tried to find Harry and Ron. She eventually found them and walked in, only to see them frown slightly. "Sorry, we're waiting for our friend Hermione. You can't sit here." Harry said.

Hermione smiled, revealing her perfect Lockhart-style grin. "But it is me! Hermione! You know, your best friend?" she queried, her perfect eyebrow perfectly arched. Ron turned into a blithering idiot as he ogled her, taking in how she had changed over the summer. As Hermione feared, he had fallen prey to her subtle seductive charms that had been installed into her along with the new clothes. "Ron, stop staring at me. I'm not meat, you know." she said, exasperated with his behaviour. She was however, quite amazed by his ability of being able to keep his eyes open for so long without blinking.

Harry shook his head. "No, you can't be her. Can she Ron? Ron, stop looking at the girl!" Harry said.

Ron nodded. "It's her. She has that slight birthmark on her inner thigh, although I could hardly see it last year because her skirts always covered her knees and I only ever got to see it if she wasn't paying attention." he said in a grave voice, earning him a glare from the Incredibly Beautiful Hermione.

Harry's expression turned thunderous. "WHY DOES NOBODY EVER TELL ME THESE THINGS?! YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING HERMIONE AND IT'S MAKING ME GO CAPS-LOCK CRAZY!" he yelled, pointing at Hermione.

Hermione stepped back slightly and felt more tears gathering in her eyes. "If that's how you feel Harry Potter then I shall go and never return. I've been abused you know!" she yelled as an afterthought before picking up her trunk and walking out of the compartment, only to be leapt on by Luna Lovegood.

"Agh! Luna, what are you doing?" she asked, seeing the blonde girl whip out a Wizarding camera. "No, don't take photos! I have very little make-up on and no... That's my bad side!" she whined.

Luna got up off her and nodded triumphantly. "Oh yes, daddy will be pleased. We were starting to think that such things never existed but this... Oh, this will make the front page for sure." she said happily.

Hermione got up and dusted herself off, careful to make sure that her clothes weren't stained. "What will make the front page? Am I going to be famous? I modelled this summer you know." she said smugly.

Luna's large eyes bulged and she took out a notepad, scribbling everything down quickly. "Of course you'll make the front page. We've been searching for Hermione-Sue's for ages."

Hermione was speechless. "Hermione-Sue?! I am not Hermione Sue! My name is Hermione Jane Granger and I'll hex anyone who tries to imply otherwise." she screeched, so loud that people looked out of the compartments to see what was going on.

Luna smiled vacantly and nodded. "If you say so. Good day." she said before turning away and walking into a compartment, leaving Hermione shaken and angry.

* * *

Hermione spent most of the journey sobbing in a strangely-empty compartment, only stopping to buy some food off the witch who sold food on the train. She was just about to start crying again when somebody walked into the compartment, only to be struck dumb by her beauty.

"Go away Malfoy, I don't want to talk." she said, sniffing and wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

However Draco could not reply, he was too busy noticing how the bushy-haired bookworm had turned into this vision of beauty and sexiness. "We must be together." he said when he was finally able to speak. "Look at me Hermione, I have turned into Leather Trouser-Wearing Sex God Draco ™ and you are Beautiful And Slightly Slutty Hermione ™. It's destiny." he told her.

She looked up and noticed that he had indeed grown handsome and was wearing a pair of leather trousers that fit him in all the right places. She smiled and nodded, jumping up and flinging herself into his arms. They snogged for several minutes until a scream pierced the air, causing them to jump apart. Ginny Weasley was standing in the doorway, looking scared and very green. "HERMIONE GRANGER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" she asked.

Hermione smiled in a conciliatory manner. "Me and Draco are together. We are both so beautiful that we must be together. It's in a prophecy or something."

"I must avenge my brother, he has loved you for years and you are cavorting with this... Piece of scum!" she said hotly, levelling the famous Molly Weasley Glare ™ at Draco who replied with his Evil Slytherin Git Smirk ™.

Hermione panicked and stood in between the two. "No Ginny, you mustn't! If you do then life as we know it will change. Ron is destined to end up with Luna and you shall marry Harry, it is the only way that this story can end. Did you know that I'm Head Girl this year?" she asked, changing the subject.

Draco whirled her around, surprising her greatly. "But that is great! I am Head Boy and we can spend all our free time having mad and passionate sex." he told her, kissing her deeply and only breaking away when Hermione heard Ginny throwing up in the corner of the compartment.

"A little dramatic?" she asked.

Ginny shook her head. "I shouldn't be with Harry. I have harboured a secret crush on Voldemort for years and I want my womb to carry Voldemort spawn. I think we would rule the Wizarding world together quite admirably. Besides I am a vampire and I could quite possibly leech the life blood out of Harry if we ever had sex." she told Hermione in a quiet voice.

Draco was very angry at this. "No! Hermione and I are to become the fabulous new leaders of the Wizarding world. Be gone Weaslette! My father will have you expelled for being a vampire, he wields much influence in the Ministry."

"Oh yeah, well your father's in Azkaban you git!" Ginny screamed, tears running down her face. Hermione had often heard of Ginny being the most emotional of the Weasleys but she didn't think it would be quite this bad. Once again, she stepped between them.

"Look, this story is about me so will you please stop sniping at each other and adore my luscious body and shiny hair please?" she asked, feeling unloved. She pouted slightly and Ginny flounced off, leaving her with her sexy but evil new boyfriend. "Drakie-poo, you have dumped that horrible Pansy girl haven't you?" she asked.

He nodded and as he went to kiss her again, there was another piercing shriek. They turned to see who it was and on seeing Pansy Parkinson, Hermione sighed beautifully. "Why can't you all leave me alone so I can shag Draco?!" she cried out, so upset that Draco could not pacify her. "No, let me handle this. Avada Kedavra, you pug-faced bitch!" she yelled, a green light flying out the end of her wand and hitting the other girl in the chest.

Draco looked at her, clearly bewildered and distraught. "You shall be sent to Azkaban! How shall I live without you, my dearest?!" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, the Ministry love me and because I am so close to Harry, I am allowed to use any spell I want. Also, it's in the Hermione-Sue handbook on page forty. Do you see?" she asked, handing him the book.

He nodded sagely. "Ah... Does this mean that we can snog in peace now?" he asked.

"NO IT DOESN'T! UNHAND HER MALFOY!" Ron said, aiming his wand at Draco who couldn't get his wand out of his ridiculously tight leather trousers. "HAS HE SULLIED YOU?" he asked Hermione, before muttering "Avada Kedavra!"

"Noooooooooo..." Hermione said, diving in front of Draco and taking the spell for him. "I love you Draco." she said before dying in his arms, her arm flung fetchingly over her forehead, making her look like the tragic heroine in the story.

Draco sighed and looked down at her. "What a waste of beauty. I'm afraid I must kill you though Weasel because you killed my true love. You do understand, right?" he asked.

And that was the beginning of the Hogwarts Express Massacre. The only person who made it to Hogwarts alive was Neville Longbottom. Even Trevor had been killed, although that was due to Gregory Goyle standing on him.

Dumbledore was saddened by the news and the only thing he had to say on the incident was... "That's what you get when you mess about with canon characters, now where are my new socks Minerva?"

* * *

Review?

Thanks very much

--Bex--


	2. Harry Potter's Twin Sister Sue

**Harry-Potter's-Twin-Sister!Sue**

Harry Potter had the shock of his life when he awoke to see Sirius's head in the fire. It wasn't because his head was in the fire of course, it was because Sirius had died the year before in the Chamber of Secrets. "GAH! Sirius, what are you doing here?" he asked, confused and bewildered.

Sirius smiled. "I have something to tell you, only I have to be quick because the Ministry are after me. They aren't too happy about Remus freeing me from the Department of Mysteries but we are in love and therefore it doesn't matter. You have a twin sister, Harry." he said in a serious (sirius) tone.

Harry jumped up from the chair, his confusion turning to anger. "Wh-WHAT?! YOU KNEW THAT I HAD A TWIN SISTER AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TILL NOW?! ARE YOU MAD, SIRIUS?!"

Sirius thought about this for a moment. "It's quite possible, with me having been in Azkaba-"

"Get to the point quickly, Sirius!" came another voice, one Harry recognised as Remus Lupin. It had not sunk in yet that they were lovers, that was to be saved for a CrazyHary!Sue moment. "Hello Harry."

Harry frowned and sat back down in the armchair once again. "Hello Professor Lu-Remus. Sirius, what exactly are you blathering on about? I have a twin sister? But it can't be true, if it were then that would mean that I actually do have family." he said, obviously not understanding the obvious.

Sirius shook his head. "She'll be at the Three Broomsticks tomorrow. You are to pick her up and take her to Hogwarts. Dumbledore knows all about it and is expecting you. Be there at eleven in the morning." Sirius said.

Harry jumped to his feet once again, inflamed with even more anger. "DUMBLEDORE KNEW TOO! YOU ARE ALL SO MEAN TO ME AND I FEEL SO UNLOVED!" he yelled before flouncing out of the common room and up to the dormitories, leaving a confused (yet handsome) Sirius Black floating in his fire.

* * *

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter was waiting in the Three Broomsticks for her favourite brother to arrive. She was important enough to have four names and always used all four of them, just to make sure everyone knew how important she was. Despite the fact that she had long, unruly black hair and emerald green eyes, she had never been told that she looked like her brother, probably due to the fact that she wore contacts instead of glasses as they were much cooler.

"Hello?" came a voice and she turned with a smile on her face to see Harry Potter looking down at her. How could no-one have noticed?! They looked exactly the same... The only difference being that Amanda Victoria Rose Potter was much cooler and an automatic boy-magnet. "I'm Harry." he said by way of explanation.

Amanda jumped up and hugged her brother tightly. "I've missed you! I can't believe that Sirius managed to bring me here. I've known him ever since he got released from Azkaban because he rescued me from this evil family who adopted me. Harry, what's wrong, you look cross?" she asked.

Harry's face looked stormy and his anger erupted from inside him. "DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS? I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY PERSON THAT NEVER KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON!" he yelled, only for the entire pub to tell him to shut up.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter was not to be outdone. "You think you've had it bad?! I was regularly beaten and starved because I was not their 'real' daughter and if it wasn't for Sirius, then I would have been..." she said, breaking down into sobs. "Dead."

Harry made a sound of mockery. "Oh yeah, well the Dursley's never bought me any presents and they locked me in a cupboard. Oh, and they made me wear Dudley's old clothes." he said, a grimace on his face as he remembered the tragic events of his past.

His sister sent him a Scornful Look ™. "Yeah, well I was... Um, I was molested!" she yelled.

"I had to face Lord Voldemort! Four times!" he yelled back.

She scoffed at that. "I had to run away from Vampires in Albania who were trying to kill me, but then I got lost in the forests in Germany and I was nearly eaten by a Troll."

Harry conceded defeat. "Well, you got me there. I've only met a werewolf, an Acromantula and a Blast-Ended Skrewt." he said sullenly, looking down at the floor, which was wooden and was not particularly interesting.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter placed her hand on his shoulder in a gesture that was supposed to show her sympathy. "Well, they're pretty scary too. How about we head up to the castle?" she asked. "I've heard so many things about it but I've never seen it."

"How did Sirius find you anyway?" Harry asked after they left the pub and started walking up the long road from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts. He was careful to keep one hand on his wand as he knew that Dark Creatures could be Lurking Dangerously ™ in the hedgerows.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter started to cry but even that did not diminish her outstanding beauty. "I was being beaten up when suddenly he just appeared and whisked me away. I didn't even know I was a witch. I mean I kept doing strange things like changing my eye colour and attracting boys for no reason and Sirius said that I could be a witch."

"Wow! Changing your eye colour?! I wish I could do that. I bet you're a Metamorphmagus like Tonks or something!" Harry said, suddenly full of love for his twin sister who he had not known about. He could feel a bond forming between them and felt the urge to protect her.

At that moment, Draco Malfoy and his Evil Goons ™ stepped out from behind a tree. With his new Protective Sibling Instincts ™, Harry shielded Amanda Victoria Rose Potter from harm. "Be gone Malfoy, you great prat!" he said, wielding his wand.

Draco rolled his eyes and sneered. "Who's that Pothead? Your new girlfriend?" he asked.

Before Harry could stop her, Amanda Victoria Rose Potter had side-stepped him and walked up to the blonde Slytherin with a Ferocious Scowl ™ on her face. "Malfoy or whoever you are, go away! I am Amanda Victoria Rose Potter, otherwise known as Harry's twin. I will not hesitate to use my subtle seductive charms on you if you do not flee." she told him.

It was no use though as Draco, Gregory and Vincent had all fallen prey to the goddess that was Amanda Victoria Rose Potter. "Nnungh?" said Draco, the most coherent thing he could say. It was clear that he was about to turn OOC in a most horrible way.

Harry, not wanting to subject his sister to such a monstrosity, grabbed her hand and started pulling her towards the castle, something that she was only too eager to do. Draco and his Evil Goons ™ followed her, unable to concentrate on anything whilst Amanda Victoria Rose Potter was in the immediate vicinity.

* * *

On arrival at Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione were conveniently in the Entrance Hall and they bounded over happily, wanting to see who was with Harry. Hermione smiled at the girl who immediately sneered back at her. "What's wrong with her?" Hermione asked Harry in a quiet whisper.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter had super hearing though and turned with an expression of dislike on her face, to look at the bushy-haired bint. "I am Amanda Victoria Rose Potter and as I am now here, your services as the main female character will no longer be needed. Now flee before I turn my Malfoy and his Evil Goons ™ on you!" she commanded, pointing towards the door where indeed the Slytherins stood.

Hermione started to cry and turned to Ron for support but to her dismay, he was staring at Amanda Victoria Rose Potter with the Stare of Lust ™. "NO!" Hermione yelled in frustration. She had been after Ron for many years now and they had just started to get close. She went to strangle Harry's twin but Amanda Victoria Rose Potter had super-reflexes and quickly ducked to avoid the Gryffindor's grasp. Hermione sprawled onto the floor and unfortunately at that point, a sharp spike rose through the floor and through Hermione's head, killing the poor know-it-all.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter smiled sweetly. "What a shame." she said in an acid voice. "God rest her soul." she said like a perfectly sweet girl. Nobody could see the evil glint that resided in her emerald green eyes. Amanda Victoria Rose Potter was too clever to be caught.

She flexed her fingers and thanked Merlin for giving her the ability of Incredible Wandless Magic ™, as every OC should have. Then she took Harry and Ron's hands and led them through the Entrance Hall, instinctively knowing where to go.

There was a yell behind them and Amanda Victoria Rose Potter turned around, her Ferocious Scowl ™ once again in place. "Yes?" she asked imperiously, looking at the robed figure with disdain.

She noticed that Harry had turned into a white, stuttering wreck and sighed impatiently. "I am Lord Voldemort, I am here to vanquish Harry."

She stomped her foot and put her hands on her hips. "Well, I'm afraid that's not possible at the moment. It's taken us an entire hour to get from the Three Broomsticks to here and it's just not very convenient for you to show up without Owling. Very rude." she told him.

The pale-faced, red-eyed figure looked ashamed, diverting his eyes to the floor. At that point Amanda Victoria Rose Potter chose to attack and using her Incredible Wandless Magic ™, she sent a silent Avada Kedavra towards the figure, who keeled over and died when the spell hit him. "Wooh! Go me!" she said happily, Harry and Ron looked up and upon seeing Voldemort dead, looked at her with Wide-Eyed Expressions ™ on their faces. "Woah, way to go Amanda! That was bloody brilliant!" said Ron. It was the most he'd said since seeing her.

Harry began to anger again but then realised he was free to do whatever he wanted. So, he walked up and snogged Draco Malfoy without wondering what the consequences would be.

Amanda Victoria Rose Potter felt another tap on her shoulder and turned to see a blue-eyed old man with a long white beard standing behind her, glasses perched on his nose. "You must be Amanda Victoria Rose Potter. Welcome to Hogwarts."

And that is the end of the story of how Harry Potter found his twin sister.

* * *

Review? Tell me which Sue you want next!

--Bex--


End file.
